Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I now can't think that word without having Britney Spears singing in my head. For those who don't know what I am talking about, well, we can find you a nice quiet place to sit and listen to some nice Barry (the White one or Manilow). Whenever I have Britney singing that song in my head it's the same line that I hear. Over and over again it's "You're toxic, I'm slipping under". You'd think I could come up with more of it. Then again I'm not exactly a spring chicken.

I was laying in bed last night, with my husband snoring dozing beside me, pondering a choice I have recently made. (Britney was totally there, singing in my head) I've completely cut "something/s" out of my life. Wasn't that nice and vague? I'm not going to be extremely specific because enough of the people who do actually visit this blog know me in the real world and I don't need any grief*. I was clinging to - you know what? I'm just going to make up a name and insert it in the place of "something/s". That'll be way easier. I shall call it "Broken & Repressed". Let me begin anew with the next paragraph.

So there I was, clinging to Broken & Repressed. I've been hanging on to Broken & Repressed for a while now. I looked at Broken & Repressed as some kind of a comfort, a life line. Finally last year there was an "ah ha" moment and I started to take a number of steps to start making the break. As the break got more distance and I got more perspective I started to see the wisdom of my decision. I made a drastic improvement with my depression. I started functioning more like a person and less like a robot. With my mind clearing of the depression I was able to start living and actually became social enough again to start talking to my friends again.

With my renewed friendships came enlightenment. I realized that I wasn't the only person that had invited Broken & Repressed into my life. I realized that there were more people out there trying to recover from the time that their lives intersected with Broken & Repressed. I was able to talk with people who knew what I was talking about and I was reassured that my husband and I hadn't imagined it. It added to my healing, but I still hadn't had the strength to cut the line.

That ended last week. I made the decision, grabbed a knife and cut the line. As I floated to the surface I realized that the line that attached me to Broken & Repressed hadn't been pulling me to shore, it had been anchored to the ocean floor dragging me down. I feel so much more buoyant and happy amazing effervescent. I never thought that I would use that word to describe the way I feel, but there it is.

Be it eating Tillamook Mudslide ice cream every night, shopping when the money isn't even there, or maintaining relationships with people we know don't have what's best for us in mind - we continue with a behavior that we know is destructive.

How many of us do that?

*As I get more distance from all of this I might write about it again and be a little bit more clear and in depth - but for now vague will have to do.

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