I just sent a text message to someone stating my belief that our God is a big God. A year ago that thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind. That is how low I was. I'm not going to harp a ton on the valleys I have gone through. God has carried me through them. For a reason.
Some of you know a little about our odyssey across the country... following, in what to some might seem a whim, our God to the ends of the earth (or California as the case may be). I have written about how blessed we have been by it and now I am going to share how I believe our lives are being used for him.
I don't know that I have ever felt, much less known, that God was so totally there as I do now- Orchestrating precisely where I should be and beginning it over 5 years ago. That is a confusing sentence but I don't know a better way to state it. Over 5 years ago we were here in Cali working with youth. Over 5 years ago Jon and I made a huge life change - we joined the military. We moved ourselves and 2 and a half kids across the country to N.C. Over 3 years ago we moved ourselves and our 3 and a half kids to TN. Little did we know that our lives as Christians were going to go through some serious challenges.
We arrived in TN. and got involved with what we felt was an amazing church. The people were genuine and we quickly made friends with some awesome people. Jon and I were sure that we were exactly where God wanted us to be and started the process to put down some roots. We bought a house. Jon got out of the Army. We thought we knew where we were going (or staying).
It was while sitting on the front porch of that home that I had one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had. I sat down with a friend, who at the time, intimidated me. Total aside: Once he got past the idea that I despised him (I'm really not the most outgoing person in the world - it's even worse with someone who I'm intimidated by) he made a point to come by when he was home and talk for a minute or two. Got me to the point that I was comfortable with him. He became a great friend to me. He helped me to see that I wasn't crazy and that it was okay to do something about my depression. It was so encouraging for me to have someone I respected as a person and a man of God to tell me that going on meds was okay. It didn't mean I was a "bad" Christian.
In the midst of this darkness my question to God was "why? Why would God do this to me"? After emerging from the darkness I had a little more perspective and my question was: "Why would God allow me to hurt like this? Why did I have to go through that"?
Jon and I have talked quite a bit about God's purpose in all this. We knew that there was a reason for it. I just feel like the last week or so how reaffirmed our thoughts. God moved us to California for a number of reasons - but I know for a fact that he brought me here to this place, at this point, so that my life could intersect with the life of someone who is hurting. God was able to use the hurt that I went through to help and encourage a friend who needed someone to talk to that loved them and wouldn't judge what they were dealing with.
This post isn't what it originally was. It just flowed out of me the first time I composed this, but this will just have to do. If I sound pious at all that wasn't my intent. I want to be real.
What's real is that I have been a Christian for most of my life, I suffer from depression, and I refuse to follow the "crowd" and pretend that my life is perfect when it isn't. The Bible doesn't say that life is perfect and wonderful when you make the choice to follow God - I don't know why "we" insist on acting like it does.
God loves us, warts and all. Why can't we love each other the same way?
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