He's in the room!

So... I decided to share this blog with the masses (which means all 3 of you). That wasn't one of the easiest decisions I have ever made, but I have made the choice to stop being one of those people who just pretends that everything is wonderful and perfect. So here I am: the mom trying to do her best by her kids. The wife who wants her husband to know and realize how amazing and wonderful he is. The woman that is so tired that just getting the laundry done is a reason to feel some accomplishment.

I have been at the lowest point in my life ever. The last year + has been the most disheartening, miserable, ugly I've ever known. We went from excited optimism (we've found our place - church, friends, etc.) to overwhelming disappointment. Last year it started to look like this: Church? Not so much. Friends? Not so much. We walked away from the church we were at. I was hurt. I was tired of putting on my "happy face" for all the other shiny happy Christians. We were burned.

I was done with church. I was done with God. I was just done. I pretty much cut myself off from everyone. The only people I had anything to do with were my kids, my husband and our neighbors across the street. (I didn't really have any choice with that.) When we stepped away from the church we asked staff to just leave us alone for a while. I was in the middle of the deepest depression I've ever experienced.

*Down the rabbit hole* I have had periods of being down over the years. Nothing major, nothing lasting longer than a week. Nothing that ever scared Jon or ever really and truly affected my day to day life. This round lasted over a year. *Surfacing the rabbit hole*

My husband and children have been the biggest casualties from this battle with depression. My husband more or less lost his wife for a year. I was somewhere locked inside myself. He walked on eggshells trying to keep from doing something to send me lower. He kept our family going and most definitely did it without my help. My kids had a mom who slept maybe 2 or 3 hours a night, was so shut down that she didn't have any left over emotion to share with them and full of guilt because she knew what was happening and couldn't stop it.

I am not in that place anymore. I have slowly surfaced over the last 6 months or so. My husband comments on how nice it is to see my smile again. Things are nowhere near perfect. I still have a slightly removed feeling that I haven't shaken off yet. The thing is - I am finally at a place where I can say "it won't last forever" - and mean it.

Throughout this whole ordeal my relationship with God was nonexistent. I wanted nothing to do with Him. The way I described this to Jon was to say that God wasn't even in the same room with me. I know that isn't the way it was or is - but that was the way I felt. I felt like the world was crashing down around us and where was God? We had been reduced rubble.

Last night Jon and I had a talk with his sister and brother in-law. (I just have to say that I have never known two more real people who live life in such a way that you see Him every time you are with them.) We talked about Jon. We talked about the fact that Jon was made to be in ministry. We have been running. We got battered and bruised and disillusioned and decided to go in a different direction - one that hopefully wouldn't hurt so much.

One of the reasons that I had been resistant to ministry again was because I told myself I am in no place to be in ministry. How can God use someone who hadn't even been talking to him for the last year? My sister in-law was able to show me that God can use you where ever you're at. We are all trying to get to the "right place" - but does that mean you are useless to God until you get there?

I don't know where I was going with all of this. I just needed to get this out there. I finally feel like there is hope for my spiritual life. I am able to look back at this last year or so and say that this all happened for a reason. God has us where he wants us and he is here holding us in his hands.