Lifes a (Newport) Beach

A few pictures from our afternoon at the beach.

Yes. My husband is a deep thinker.

Take Me Away

Jon and I were given a chance to get away for the weekend. For the cost of gas. (I just found out that we are being reimbursed for even that.) How awesome is that? It was a couples retreat down in the O.C. We had a picnic on the beach, stayed at a very nice hotel and had some fabulous food.

We also got to sleep in a real bed in our very own room! I will repeat myself - how awesome is that?

We also got a chance to have a good time hanging out with my sister and her husband and the cutest baby niece you would ever set eyes on. I'm allowed to say that because the next youngest niece is 5 - very much not a baby!

Jeff and Eugenie Lilley from Hume Lake Christian Camps spoke to about 40 couples about becoming subversive romantics. Making our marriage a light in a dark world.

We also had music led by Timothy James Meaney. I wish I could come up with a better descriptive word but... awesome, amazing, wonderful, worshipful, just great. He and his wife are the genuine thing. They were fun to be around and I think Jon and I were blessed just getting to hang out around them.

It was definitely what we needed. We were encouraged and refreshed. We were reminded of how much we love each other and how great our marriage really is.

(I guess all those accusations of acting like teenagers weren't that far off.)

I'm a big kid now (now with update)

I had a friend ask me the other day when I was going to grow up. (The question was also directed at our husbands.) My answer was something along the line of I don't ever want to totally "grow up".

After I married Jon I spent a lot of the time feeling like I was still a kid. We married young. We had babies young. We worked at a church that was mostly older people and I have to say I spent most of my time feeling like I was looked down on. Here I am now, a good 10 years later, and it's getting better, but I don't know if I will ever totally feel like an adult.

When I was a young newlywed and young mother all I wanted was to be looked on as an adult. Now as a mother who's oldest child is about to enter double digits I just want to be adult enough to deal with my responsibilities well and still be "young" enough to enjoy the ride. I want to be able to enjoy my husband, children, and life in general.

Unfortunately, the growing up part of life can be painful. I am having to deal with one aspect of this right now. I have, because of some bruising and battering of my heart, wrapped my heart in cotton (bubble wrap, styrofoam, etc.). I had made the decision that if I kept my heart put away and protected it couldn't hurt. God informed me that He has other ideas about that today.

I was hurt by some really close friends. (I'm pretty sure I have mentioned my friendship issues before. I don't make friends easily and I don't trust 'em easily either.) I am not saying that they were malicious or set out to hurt me - I just got hurt - you can't really help what brings you joy or what brings you pain. So, anyway, I made the decision to back away from them. I figured if I didn't hang out with them I wouldn't have the hurt or risk being hurt some more.

I realized today that I can't just walk away from them.

I want to. I want to run as fast and as far away as possible. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to risk my heart getting more bruised or battered. I will though.

As I sat in church today I had the most overwhelming feeling that I have to talk to them. I don't know if I can explain it. The feeling is like your heart is being squeezed tight and there is this weight... (These friends have been hurting. In lots of ways. It makes me want to cry if I think about it too much.) I knew that I was going to have to do something. I knew I had to tell Jon that I was going to have to do something.

I wasn't really looking forward to that. See, Jon has had to deal with his own struggles regarding these friends. One result being he would get really worried about me whenever I would have any kind of contact with them.

So I tell Jon in the car after church that I just really, really feel like I need to make that phone call. Jon looks at me and tells me "I really had Friend 1 on my heart in the service." He follows that up with "I've been thinking about Friend 1 for the past couple of weeks."

It's awesome to see the way God works. He's been working on both of us, getting us to this point where we can hopefully love on the both of them.

I might get hurt. There maybe tears. Or I might find my friends again. I might be able to love on them. That's the thing about hearts - you hide them away you might not experience the hurt, but you also miss out on the good stuff - love, laughter and friendship.

*** I finally made the decision to make that call the next day. After being unable to reach Friends 1 & 2 - I, in a spur of the moment thought, dropped by the house on my way to dinner. It was somewhat awkward but I got my point across - I loved them and was wanting to make sure they were okay. Plans were made for phone calls that never really happened.

I still don't know what the outcome will be - we email back and forth on occasion and that will just have to do for now. The important part is that I was willing to do what God was prompting me to do - even though it was out of my comfort zone.

I still love them. I still pray for them - these sorta friends. Friends because of what we have all gone through together and sorta for the strange held back relationship/non relationship we have.

I would do it again.

I Don't Wanna!

I'm waiting around for my husband to get home so that he can take me to the Doc.

I was out of commission for most of the day yesterday. My back is extremely unhappy with me. There wasn't some particular event that caused it. I have struggled with back pain pretty much since High School. Add to that a car accident, 4 pregnancies and the huge resulting babies... Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that my back has reason to complain.

***I am going to take this moment to share with you that our youngest son, who turned 3 just weeks ago, weighed in at 44 lbs at the Doc. Hmm...

I hate the Doctor. Not the specific Doc that I'm going to go see - I've never even met him/her. I just hate them all in general. I have spent way too much time around Doctors, hospitals, all the garbage that goes with them. I really, really don't want to go.

Jon doesn't believe me that they will just tell me the same old "here is a list of stretches and exercises" bit.

Got pushed down a set of bleachers?
- stretches.

Involved in a car accident?
-stretches.

Regular pain?
- stretches.

Worsening pain?
- stretches.

AAAAAAAAAA
- stretches?

What good are stretches when I can hardly stand?

So I sit and whine to the internets.

Compare this to Liam last week after he was informed that there was a trip to the Doctor in his future.

Liam: I see Dr. Cruz!!!
Us: No.
Liam: I see the Doctor?
Us: Yes.
Liam: Yaaaaaaaay!

(It is a sad day that my kids do better going to the Doctor than I do)

Update...

I have strained my back (whatever). The Doc totally started to do the whole "Let me get some pamphlets" thing. I smirked at Jon and gave him the "told you so" eyes as she left the room. Then my husband stepped up to bat for me and I got myself a script for a muscle relaxer when she returned. So yay for that!

My back is still killing me, but I am getting more and more freedom of movement. So yay for that too!

God (and how He moves)

I just sent a text message to someone stating my belief that our God is a big God. A year ago that thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind. That is how low I was. I'm not going to harp a ton on the valleys I have gone through. God has carried me through them. For a reason.

Some of you know a little about our odyssey across the country... following, in what to some might seem a whim, our God to the ends of the earth (or California as the case may be). I have written about how blessed we have been by it and now I am going to share how I believe our lives are being used for him.

I don't know that I have ever felt, much less known, that God was so totally there as I do now- Orchestrating precisely where I should be and beginning it over 5 years ago. That is a confusing sentence but I don't know a better way to state it. Over 5 years ago we were here in Cali working with youth. Over 5 years ago Jon and I made a huge life change - we joined the military. We moved ourselves and 2 and a half kids across the country to N.C. Over 3 years ago we moved ourselves and our 3 and a half kids to TN. Little did we know that our lives as Christians were going to go through some serious challenges.

We arrived in TN. and got involved with what we felt was an amazing church. The people were genuine and we quickly made friends with some awesome people. Jon and I were sure that we were exactly where God wanted us to be and started the process to put down some roots. We bought a house. Jon got out of the Army. We thought we knew where we were going (or staying).

It was while sitting on the front porch of that home that I had one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had. I sat down with a friend, who at the time, intimidated me. Total aside: Once he got past the idea that I despised him (I'm really not the most outgoing person in the world - it's even worse with someone who I'm intimidated by) he made a point to come by when he was home and talk for a minute or two. Got me to the point that I was comfortable with him. He became a great friend to me. He helped me to see that I wasn't crazy and that it was okay to do something about my depression. It was so encouraging for me to have someone I respected as a person and a man of God to tell me that going on meds was okay. It didn't mean I was a "bad" Christian.

In the midst of this darkness my question to God was "why? Why would God do this to me"? After emerging from the darkness I had a little more perspective and my question was: "Why would God allow me to hurt like this? Why did I have to go through that"?

Jon and I have talked quite a bit about God's purpose in all this. We knew that there was a reason for it. I just feel like the last week or so how reaffirmed our thoughts. God moved us to California for a number of reasons - but I know for a fact that he brought me here to this place, at this point, so that my life could intersect with the life of someone who is hurting. God was able to use the hurt that I went through to help and encourage a friend who needed someone to talk to that loved them and wouldn't judge what they were dealing with.

This post isn't what it originally was. It just flowed out of me the first time I composed this, but this will just have to do. If I sound pious at all that wasn't my intent. I want to be real.

What's real is that I have been a Christian for most of my life, I suffer from depression, and I refuse to follow the "crowd" and pretend that my life is perfect when it isn't. The Bible doesn't say that life is perfect and wonderful when you make the choice to follow God - I don't know why "we" insist on acting like it does.

God loves us, warts and all. Why can't we love each other the same way?

Brain Mush

Yes. I really did title this post "Brain Mush". These kinds of things happen when your brain is tired and feels mushy.

I'm not sure why I am so tired and wanting to find some quiet, child-free pla... Oh, wait! I guess I do know.

I wasn't meant to home school. It's not a anti-home school thing at all. It's just that I know I was not made to be a home schooling mom. My sister? Totally made for it. She has a grasp of what she needs to be teaching and makes it happen. I, at this point, feel like a weight that is just dragging her down. I am not confident to say "oh sure, I'd love to teach grammar today!" - I mean - you have been reading my blog, right? Math? Ha! I was lucky to get passing grades through high school. I am so thankful for her amazing willingness to help.

Brain Mush doesn't really help that matter.

This is such a strange feeling. I totally have things I want to write about. I know I do. For the life of me though I can't think of a single thing! I lay in bed at night (located in the middle of the living room, on a hide-a-bed. Seriously, you people who know us - me
+ Jon in a sofa bed.) thinking of all kinds of things to write about. Do I get up and write it down? Heck no! That would make sense. It would also mean walking across cold tile with bare feet... so we know how unlikely that is. I really need to get more on it.

Maybe I'll just wake Jon up and ask him to remind me in the morning.

I would also just like to take a moment and point out that it's been in the 70's here. It's been spitting snow and stuff in Clarksville. Ha!